walk of today

"Bantering aboutWhat is right and what is goodRose out of bed and now walking in the sunContemplating propogandic logic that seems to make senseStill trying to grasp where I fit in or if I fit in at allAlone yet accompaniedOn a meandering pathSweat drenchedBut relieved"




"In our society we have not only many homeless people sleeping on the streets, in shelters, or in welfare homes, but also vagabonds who are in flight, who never come home to themselves. They seek a safe place through alcohol or drugs, or security in success, competence, friends, pleasure, notoriety, knowledge, or even a little religion. They have become strangers to themselves, people who have an address but are never at home, who never hear the voice of love or experience the freedom of God’s children. To those of us in flight, who are afraid to turn around lest we run into ourselves, Jesus says: “You have a home…I am your home…claim me as your home…you will find it to be the intimate place where I have found my home…it is right where you are…in your innermost being…in your heart" From Ragamuffin Gospel

PERO NO

Sometimes my feelings are bottled up inside me. There are things I would want to say about you...but because it might not be true, because I know it might be wrong, because I know that it doesn't matter to you, because I know it won't change a thing or it would actually make things worse or because it’s just plain wrong I won't say it. However, the following might be things that I would say to you. Words that might or might not be accurate, that might express honestly how you make me feel or how I might feel about you. Words that at the end won't matter and might not be true about you, yet: 1. To you I want to tell you, that I am sorry, but not everything is about you. In a second thought, NO I am not sorry for you feel I disrupt your sleep. How many times have I stayed up listening to your latest big problem, I did not like teenagers when I was one, I don't like them now, specially when they are too old to be one. Ah, and if you could actually get your face out of your ass and look around you would see that you have it pretty good.2. To you I want to tell you, that I am tired. I love you and I have given up for you so much, that now, I need someone to be there for me. It's my turn. I should be tough, but guess what? I am not and I've never pretended to be. 3. Did I say I am not tough, why should I? Why? I am not tough and being such doesn't seem natural. Good for you!!! Because you are tough, smart, witty, intelligent, stable, godly, healthy, I am not and well I am ok with that. 3. To you I want to tell you that it's great that you found peace within, that you think that all my problems lie within me, that somehow I made my life the way it is--from the parents I got, to the illnesses that surround me. You might be right, but only for a second think that if you are not, well you might be just the most insensitive person there is. 4. To you I want to tell you that I miss you, and that is it.5. To you I want to tell you that although I didn't get to know you I loved you more that you would ever know. That my life has been affected in a positive way because of you and that you might have just saved my life and make me a little bit tougher. Even when I didn't notice at the time and I just wanted to die.6. To you I want to tell you that I am sorry because I fall short of your expectations. You are the most amazing person in my world and that the world is definitely a better place because of you. You have a special aura and I know you know.7. To you I want to tell you that I just cannot stand your smell, but other than that you are ok. You are beautiful and you remind me of me, smelly and all. You deserve to take care of yourself beyond make up and clothes, you deserve to be seen and loved the way you are, but don't kid yourself saying that you don't care because you do and if you don't do anything about it is not because you have great self-steam-- in reality you feel that you might not deserve otherwise.8. The pain you caused... it’s gone. The scars... still there. The anger...sadly it has switched its target, but stills there. 9. You need to know that no matter what, this too shall pass. And like the previous phrase, corny and overused sayings also hold some wisdom and you are not above them. : P10. YOU - NOW - GO - TO - SLEEP and take some Tylenol that it will work 'til then. Good night.

“People are always shouting they want to create a better future. It's not true. The future is an apathetic void of no interest to anyone. The past is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke and insult us, tempt us to destroy or repaint it. The only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past.”
Milan Kundera

He estado pensando mucho en estas palabras. Me pregunto que habre hecho en mis otras vidas (no de que estoy segura de que existan y ni siquierea creo en karma) para haber nacido revolucionaria, llorona y con la firme conviccion de cambiar el mundo porque aun sigo creyendo que se puede crear algo mejor.

Lost

with some wounds... you have to rip off the band aid, let it breath and give it some time...Time is an interesting thing, while a times there is not enough of it at the same time a painful time might seem to last forever. It has been a week, the wound was the ugliest I have ever seen in my life. Pus was coming out of it, and a bitter smell could be perceived so I covered as fast as I could. There were moments I thought that I could die if it got infected, so I medicated it, no one knew, but I did. Today, the gasse that hid such an ugly wound came off and I was able to see that it was still there, uglier than before, the medication did not work and now... it hurts. This wound is not too different than the wound my son experienced a couple of months ago in a treadmill accident. His hand had been trapped in the running belt and the skin of his finger came completely off, exposing his flesh. Instinctively--and because I could not watch it anymore-- I covered his wound with a band aid. A day latter there was not improvement, so we saw a doctor. The dr. cleanned the area as my son kicked and scream on pain and fear. The nurse held him and a new cure was put on place, even tighter than before. Since I would not be able to see the wound the dr. prescribed antibiotics. In a couple days would be better, said the dr. Two days latter my mother took off the bandages to discover an uglier, yellowish, wound. She cleanned it again, this time with alcohol, made a new band aid, this time though, much looser so it could breath. Two days latter it was healing.
Now, it would make sense that I would do the same with my wound: to let it breath and wait. Nevertheless, I must clarify to my reader that this wound is not physical. It is rather, emotional, mental, perhaps a bit spiritual. Exposing myself and others to my wound terrifies me, yet it seems that by being covered, it is just harvesting infection. So, today, I rid myself of any coverings. I show my pain. Not so I can duel on it, but instead so I can free my self from it... with time. After all like I said at the beggining:

with some wounds... you have to rip off the band aid, let it breath and give it some time...

P.S. I apologize for my terrible spelling and grammar etiquette, but I am tad tired and editing... well would be editing. Por no haber escrito en espanol, bueno, lo que siento por alguna razon me sale en ingles. ciao